How to Stop Talking That Way at Work
Whether You're a Babbler or on Onlooker, Here's How to Tend the Talk
Have you heard of the Babble Hypothesis? It’s a well-supported claim that people who talk a lot tend to assume leadership in a group. Power comes to those who babble more, not to those who babble better.
A few years ago, I co-taught a course with a woman colleague named Bethany. At least in my memory, we had a pretty fun time working together with the students. But at the end of the semester, a course evaluation complained that when people tried to ask Bethany a question, I would jump in and take over.
I still cringe when I think of that. As an external processor, I probably felt like I was being a good contributor. I probably imagined my chatter was clarifying and energizing. Now, it feels like I was man-babbling.
That experience makes me think that Muted Group Theory offers a better explanation than the Babble Hypothesis for why some people find it hard to talk at work. At the risk of hepeating, let me paraphrase of Cheris Kramerae’s feminist version of this theory:
Women have often been assigned to do tasks that reinforce the talkativeness of their male counterparts. This division of labor has created division of attention, with the result that women are muted as men babble on and on.
Of course, it’s not just gender that mutes people at work. As the stand-up Shelby Slauer suggests, we can over-do the “man” part of everyday bad actions. She satirizes “manstanding,” which happens “when you're standing at the counter at a cafe and the man in line behind you is standing directly behind you even though you're not done checking out yet. Whatever situation it is, it's not okay, and now you have a word for it when you sue him.”
Humans are, as it turns out, can leverage lots of things to mute other humans at work, including skin color and pronouns and even spirituality.
One Black employee, working in a predominantly White space, told me about how she used “the Face” to say what her White colleagues wouldn’t hear otherwise.
Gender non-conforming employees, too, get tired of the babble. One interviewee told me that misgendering creates extra emotional labor with the result that they sometimes feel too tired or too disgusted to speak up about it.
Spiritually articulate people, as my own organizational research suggests, can suffer muting in corporate spaces. But if you ask them a few questions about their inner lives, people are raring to talk about it.
Here’s yet another way to put the challenge. Some of us are naturally chatty; some are naturally quiet-spoken. How do you find your voice in a way that allows others to find theirs?
Let’s think through three strategies:
Defer. The next time you catch yourself or someone else going on and on in a meeting, ask to postpone the issue. “There’s a lot in what’s being said right now. But I feel like we’re missing some things. Can we circle back to this tomorrow?” Deferring the conversation, rather deferring to the babble, can make time and space for the less powerful to speak up.
Confer. Over-communicators take advantage of the felt isolation of under-communicators. You’re sitting there thinking, “Am I the only person who…?” And the answer is nope. So try saying, “Thanks for all you’re saying! But I’d really like to hear from Jean and Sarah and Megan on this, too.” That script turns babble into a productive back-n-forth. Over-communication gives way to conferring.
Prefer. One person’s chattiness can eliminate the complexity of multiple perspectives. But discussions need that complexity in order to be generative. To restore that complexity, try preferring what others say. It’s not complicated: simply repeat others’ ideas aloud. This White House staffer strategy amplifies what less powerful people are saying by preferring to we-peat.
You can sum up these tactics by noting the surprising power of generosity. Each strategy asks you to empower others to speak. Each exhibits a self-giving character. That probably sounds counter-intuitive. Seriously, if power goes to babblers, shouldn’t you assert yourself rather than give yourself? In the short term, maybe. But in the long term, self-assertion reinforces the power dynamic you’re trying to change. You can silence a babbler by becoming one yourself. Sometimes. But it’s a better idea to get rid of babbling altogether by making sure everybody’s mic is on.
I started this piece with a story about my colleague Bethany, mostly because we’ve done a lot of work together. One of our proudly collaborative accomplishments was a co-written essay called “Stop Talking that Way.” The title made some people hope we were scolding bad grammar, poor diction, and clumsy gestures. Not all. Our research over several years of collaboration generated the rule that the best speech generates more speech.
You know how Chat GPT’s AI has a button that says Stop Generating? Maybe one gift of HI, or human intelligence, is our consciousness that others can start generating in generous conditions.
-craig
